......Its just me......

2004-03-24T10:51:00.000-08:00

I have a cold, frist it was allergies really bad for a week and now i got sick. Monday night i blew my nose.....(ciould have been Tuesday morning really really early) and my nose started bleeding it was so gross. Anyway it has been like 4 days with this stupid thing! Grrr!!!!!! I went shopping, maybe did a little to much shopping......got 2 black light, black light paint, a mona lisa thing that hangs down and is made of bamboo, got some black light paint too. ok ok i need to stop spending money bc its not good buy its fun! Me and rebecca painted a big black poaster it looks so awesome! My sister and I painted some white paper and i hung it up.....I got quit my gym membership bc it was 40 dollars a month and i cant have that type of bill when i dont even go EVERY DAY so i bought this exercise ball. You can do so many exercies on it! i already have pilates tapes so i'm going to do those.... My Savings account was only under my moms name.....bc there was a problem with my old savings account and it wouldn't let me get my name on it. anywho now my name is on it. AND i have a little card.......so i can go to the ATM machine and get money my dad wasn't to happy, i told him i wouldn't use it with out his consult! and that it would be for emergencies......Er
If you squeezed my head snot would explode no joke well anyway i'm going take a shower

2004-03-19T13:20:00.000-08:00

i should be in school right now, but i'm not.....only bc i'm really sore and my allerigies are bad........I only got out of 2 classes, A.T and Lit and comp, which are not so important, i mean for the day i skipped it. I turned stuff in and yeah. My heater works and i'm so happy bc it gets cold in here..........Well yeah i'm bored so i'm gonna go

2004-03-18T21:25:00.000-08:00

FUCK U BLOGGER JUST FUCK U! i write stuff down and u fucking earse it when i push post , and fuck you loud neighbors and stupid old dog who barks non stop and lives right next to my DAMN window

2004-03-18T21:14:00.001-08:00

fucking A!

2004-03-18T21:14:00.000-08:00

AHHHHHHH DAMMIT

2004-03-15T22:06:00.000-08:00

2004-03-15T22:04:00.000-08:00

I have been so busy with the move and all, i have a test comming up, my sisters choir concert and my ice skating lessons, doing choirs counsling and a little tv and comp time.....yeah thats right i have to go to counsling ! ah !
I had an urge to cut today but i didn't.......My counslor told me holding ice until it melts in ur hands will give ur body the same effect well almost to as cutting.......and thats what i did, and my dad saw what i was doing and i know i made him sad...so i droped the ice and my hands were numb............Oh i gottta go to counsling tomorrow only good thing i have to spend 30 min in class last period lol ok well my face is dry so this is about all i'm gonna tell u
and its getting close to my bed time yeah thats right i got a bed time so just shut it! jk lol

2004-03-14T17:53:00.000-08:00

Ok so the move was good. Saturday was so busy. I woke about 9am and got some things ready, ate breakfast and then started packing. I cleaned the whole computer desk off, and had to move all the things out of my dresser. SO MUCH WORK to move i swear! Also i had to move the old computer out of the way so my dad could get threw....then like 15 min later my sister and dad showed up. I still hadn't taken a shower! So then i was running around trying to find some clean clothes and hopped into the shower got ready. Went to my moms and ran out the car door to Rebeccas (lives down the street) then we un packed and got some things in. My sister, rebcca and I went to a store got candy and pop and other stuff.....We got tickets for Secreet Window and we got to pick the seats, we were like 10-15 min early hehe....i had a lot of candy lol....then when it was over we went to the mall,. but frist we picked up Jesse (my sisters BF) we were there for like 2 hours dropped Rebecca off, then came home, i did the rest of my unpacking, cleaning and put 100 glow in the dark stars around my room (some on the celing).......

TODAY: we went to get a bean bag chair. my dad hooked the printer up and also speakers, i looked up to find a DSL place....my dad will call them later......we got "Rabbit ears" for the tv, i learned how to take money out of the bank thing where its out side u know and u can take money out of savings or checking lol....then i went to my moms to give her Visa back and got my Keyboard.......i couldn't find my phone i was so not happy but it was under the passanger seat in my dads truck........lol yeah......i gotta go so i can do my homework and also i have a bed time now! GRRR o well lol

I had a long ass weekend! Its all for the best :)

2004-03-12T23:12:00.000-08:00

I'm tired and i'm gonna go to bed now, the last day at my moms. I was going to go to my dads, and i even packed some stuff....but my laundry isn't done.......its going to be so different, me living at my dads again but i will soon adapt to his style of living...

2004-03-11T22:13:00.000-08:00

You hear about what i go threw, but you will never truly understand it. The only person who really knows is my sister. She went through a LOT with me, and its almost over........I am moving to my dads again. I lived with him for 3 years (all of middel school) now half my 9th grade year is gone and i have to move back with him. Its all for the best. I will be mentally healthy and happy. Oh God i want to be happy. I am a daddys girl and i will always be....But before i knew my father (he wasn't around much, always working and making money) i was a mommys girl, really close to her and all but then when i moved with my dad i got to know him well and lets face it, my dad rocks. My mom is caring and nice, but she changed she trys to understand but she really cant. I LOVE her dont get me wrong but i am not close to her anymore ever sense i moved away. When i say its almost over i mean the whole moving around thing, the switching houses, all the drama and emotional pain. YES i will miss my sister and mother....My sister might move off on her own this summer, then my mom will be alone, sad i know. BUT if u really love your children you have to let them go, you know what i mean. When they are 18 set them free.

2004-03-08T20:43:00.000-08:00

Wow, i'm bored.......Just sitting here not working hard on my math homework. I have transformed into a procrastinator, just slacking off but must say I DO GET IT DONE lol. Someone just Imed me! yay now i'm not so bored...I'm talking to amanda i get to see her tomorrow yay well a lot of ppl are IMing me so i must do my homework lol ;)

2004-03-04T19:59:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I went out with someone and like they said they loved me, i kinda didn't do the right thing and i said i loved them.....I heard all these bad things about the person, soon i realized that those bad things were true. He dumped me w/e....BUT the good thing is that I know how guys act u know? like i got some experience or w.e but anyway i wanted to go back out with that person but then i thought it wouldn't be worth it and i can move on.....and i did!
Anyway i think its soooooooooo so so so so SOOO stupid to go out with someone and then break up, go out with another person, dump them, then get back toegher with the original boyfriend. If you break up with someone, it was FOR A REASON and BECAUSE of something why the hell would you date them again? Oh bc he/she loves me oh i dont think so, move on! ahhh

2004-03-02T19:16:00.000-08:00

I went to the doctors yesterday, i have severe muscel strain in my back, i didnt' have to do P.E which was ok.....but i am in a lot of pain. I got muscel relaxers and they make me really tired, espically when the class is boring. When i got home i took an hour nap, felt nice, i didn't have any homework which was cool. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHh I dont have school on Friday which is awesome
I wanna see a movie with Rebecca.....i am so bored i think i'll go call her

2004-03-01T15:05:00.000-08:00

When i laugh and cry it hurts my stomach and my back! my momma called the doc and they said they would call back, i might go in today, i hope so! OWWW :( *tear*

2004-03-01T14:59:00.000-08:00

I feel sad and hurt inside.....I hurt my back from working out to hard on upper body stuff, i almost had tears in my eyes, it hurt that bad..We had transcripts today, Next year is gonna be my hardest, Geomotry, Spanish2, and American stuides, Lit and comp 10, Creative writing 1 and drawing and painting 1, weight training, and helth 2......I can always get help with things......I'm gonna go eat something cuz i'm starving....I saw my nicole today, it was nice!

2004-02-25T21:40:00.000-08:00

I'm just chillin, My dad came by yesterday with my cuz and they fixed the printer, no more going to the library no more going to my school ect to print stuff out! i'm so happy! and my sister bought speakers so now i can listen to MUSIC yay

2004-02-22T11:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday i went with my dad to get a new computer, we went to a gun shop to get bullets and powder and all that stuff....we went to Frys computer store, found a computer after a while....Our outlits on the wall suck,bc we live in SHITTY apartments and today i sent my mom out on a mission to get an extention cord so my comp. wont shut off.....I tired to set up the printer and i could only redgester it, I DONT KNOW HOW TO FIX IT! and also i tried to set up Microsoft and it wouldn't work....My dad set the computer up, there was a lot of frustration....At night i was messing with it online, and it worked now its just stupid....I was so angry and frustrated this early this morning i went into my room to cry my heart out, someone came in and i scremed get out and it was my sister I felt so bad that I yelled at her. I tried to tell her i thought she was someone else and she couldn't fully understand what i was sayin....She gave me a hug and said everything is gonna be fine......I dont believe it...I want my OLD mom back, she is so different now i use to be close to her but she changed, and i dont really like her anymore, i love her, but i sometimes dont like being around her. I want my sister to be here, helping me but she has her own life......I am the most responcible person in this house (when my sister is gone)....My mom cant barley take GOOD care of herself...How can she help me? SHE CANT! This house is always messy and whenever i clean it, it gets messy. When ever amy cleans her stuff it gets messy so there is just no fucking point anymore! Its just not fair, i'm a teenager not a parrent i shouldn't have to carry on this responicibilites, i cant even LIVE like a normall teenager i just need someone to HELP and there is no-one... My cheeks are soaked and my eyes are so red

2004-02-20T23:04:00.000-08:00

I think everything is gonna be all right...I think it just takes time, for things to get better

2004-02-20T21:21:00.000-08:00

Everything i do makes someone sad....How am I suposta get along with everyone well when i dont get along with myself? I say i'm messed up, i'm not, i'm just confused and need a hand, there is none around to, i mean i have friends but they arn't around when i need it.........

2004-02-20T20:39:00.000-08:00

"you put yourself in stupid places yes i think you know its true, situations where its easy to look down on u think ya like to be the victum think you like to be in pain i think you make your self the victum almost every single day... you do what you do, you say what u say, you try to be everything to everyone you know all the right people you play all the right games you always try to be everything to everyone.... You say they tought you how to read and write yeah they you how to count, i say they tought you how to balence your own body by the pound i think u like to be the simple toy think you love to play the clown i think you are blind to the fact that the hand you hold is a hand that holds you down"

2004-02-20T15:11:00.000-08:00

We are getting a new computer! yay!!!!!!! I"m gonna be SO happy....Lots of ppl i have been talking to about wat brand....Dell, Gateway....People say they are good ppl say they suck....I dont know what to say bc i have never had one of those types of computers lol My mom is gonna pay 200 for it, and i pay the rest so i hope i wont have to pay more than 600 lol Its gonna be nice, a fast working computer, with a printer, and speakers! oh nice and maybe just maybe we can get a cd burner.....anywho my dad is gonna go with me....YAY time with my daddy! I ate brownies they were good and SO WORTH IT but.... i'm gonna go to the gym to work it off! hahah yeah

2004-02-18T20:48:00.000-08:00

I'm so not happy right now, i went to the library and my mom was like looking at me like ok what do i do? I'm like mom take this book make a copy......i'm not going into depth of what happened lets just say FRUSTRATING and that covers it. We went to Safeway and i grabbed some power bars and then my mom got her pepsi i was like what else do we need, she was like i dun no i was like OMG mom ok fine we are gonna stand around until we figure out what else we need....Some guy was like "Do u need help for what ur looking for" i was like "I need to figure out what i came to this store for" my mom started laughing i was like oh my.....so i went into the Soy/health section and saw animal crackers and some dried fruit i was like mom can i get this for my lunch she was like uh huh and then she opened the lid to the animal cracker jar (you take a scoop and like measue it) I saw her hand reach in and i said quietly mom what are you doing?!? she was like i'm gonna try one and i was like MOM! We are in a grocrie store u cannot do that! i was like that what me and amy did when we were little and now i'm here telling u not to eat it....Its sad it breaks my heart, i just wish she didn't change......

2004-02-11T20:06:00.000-08:00

Uh its so sad, i cant take it anymore, the stress, the yelling, the people that are gone, the mess, the DRAMA........I was like mom nice cereal in the sink, she was like i tired to eat all of it, i said i'm not talking about u eating it i'm talking about the mess u made in the sink...she didn't say anything i was like can u please pick up ur mess, she said after "friends" i was like fine....She said a couple hours later "i need to return the dvds, but i dont know how to plug it back up" I had to explain and say easy things to get my mom to plug the dvd in and open it up......Mom there is a black cord at the back of the dvd player hold on to it, my mom was like what do i do to it, i was like plug it in the wall, and push power, open.....Its sad, it really is.........today when she was lying on the floor petting the kitten i wonder what is she thinks......I asked my mom how much water she drank in a day, she said 1 cup, i said u know how un healthy that is? but the point is she dosn't care, she has been on a diet and only lost 1 lb...i asked her now why did u only loose one pound, she was like idk i didn't cheat that much i was like come on mom,and told her facts about food.......But she dosn't care, no matter how HARD i try to help her she wont try it, and if she does she will give up the next couple of days....I just want her to be happy and healthy....she said to me the other night angela i really am happy, but for some reason i dont believe it....I mean i know she is sometimes but others she is just 'not there' Imagin u living ur life easy, being lazy not caring what is going on, un aware of stuff....Thats how my mom lives her life and i want to help but i cant get through to her..AND I know she has had a hard life trust me but sill LIVE u know?

2004-02-10T19:24:00.000-08:00

Its so funny, everytime i need something its not here. When i have it, i dont need it. My stomach hurts so bad.......I made a friend get mad at me today, seems like we are always fighting, sense i'm moody i' always seem to start it...Its like i'm moody...I get sad, mad, happy, depressed, hopless, hyper and they can change so fast and like its weird. And when that time of the month comes by i get kinda more moody than normal. I"M SORRY i just cant do anything right anymore. My grades could be 'better' i could be more active with ppl, going to dances and stuff...PFFFFFFF like i'd do that! I mean i go out and hang with friends i dont wanna go to socials at school and school dances no thanks, i mean i dont even like shchool all that much, only reason i like it is bc i see friends...I mean if i go to a dance, and all my friends have bf's where do i go? Go Be a stagger u say? not thanks! I hate how someone i know thinks i'm stupid, lazy and good for nothing...UNFORTUNATELY i get to see them every day...Then i see someone who makes my life HELL every oither day yeah school is great, i gotta get off line and take a shower and study for my Spanish, hope i pass! If not i'll just retake it

2004-02-09T20:48:00.000-08:00

Coldness surrounds me, and no one is here, Oh God, I wish I would dissapear. Darkness, but I seea little light, hoping, someone might.....get away with it. Dead slience, its too creepy...I hear a noise and now I'm afraid....
Tears they roll up in my eyes as I look in the mirror its no big surprise that the scars, they are still there, from the memory of when you were here...

2004-02-08T13:49:00.000-08:00

I feel like everything i say is the wrong thing to say, the actions i make are wrong too......I feel like when i speak my mind i shouldn't. I get pushed around a lot at school and its really annoying week after week. I hate school and i'm glad i'm not going to morP!

2004-02-08T10:01:00.000-08:00

My sister got a new kitten from the dalls at this cat shelter thing......He was from "The Cat Lady" who lives in Hillsboro, has tons of cats, ands shes crazy some say.....But anyway this kitten that my sister adopted is like 6 months old....It dosn't look that old, it looks 6 weeks, thats how small it is. It was starving and now it will not grow all that much...It is not litter trained OH GREAT! I'll tell u one thing, it shitted on the carpet and my sister just went to bed, so i cleaned it up when i saw it this morning...It was gross.I dont want to be taking care of this kitten a lot. I never wanted it, and also i clean up after the other 2 cats. I'm bored.....I dont want to clean, i did the dishes, took out the trashand and still doing my laundry....i'm gonna do a lot more chores but i'm just taking a break to write in this thing...

2004-02-07T19:11:00.000-08:00

I want some Ice cream! I bought a Smoothie Maker thing and its soooooooo cool. Me and rebecca put a lot of fruit and fruit juice in it, wow it worked and tasted good.....but i thought it needed sugar......The point is i want ice cream so i can add berries and fruit to it! MY MOM WONT TAKE ME! UHHHHHHHHHHH FINE

2004-02-07T11:21:00.000-08:00

AH! I'm so not liking the way i'm feeling. My computer is so messed up, its slow, dosn't even have a USB Plug and the printer is broken. ALSO we dont have speakers, when i'm online there are so many pop ups like you wouldn't believe, there is hardley any space on here.....This computer was free from someone, and i'm greatfull we have it but we need a new one. My sister wants to get a new one but she isn't gonna put ONLINE on it, and she is gonna take it when she moves out...Which is less than a year or something like that i dont know......Amy Jesse and I were watching a DVD and it was so crappy, we could hear a buzzing noise, and like when we turned it to a differnt station had no buzzing noise....The couch we have isn't new and i dont really care about that but the bed underneath isn't so nice......THis house is so freaking crapy bc NO ONE WILL DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT! Me and my sister clean a lot but when the house looks really nice, and stuff, my mother messes it up and it looks like shit....So my sister stops cleaning it, bc no matter what it gets messy again and it dosn't really matter......I dont have much stuff around the house, u know my backpack, and school work is pretty much it.......I just want the house to be clean and have some freaking nice things dammit but WHAT EVER! AHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2004-02-06T20:13:00.000-08:00

Today i just got my Internet back, well not aol, that is canceled....pretty sure.......anyway....Um i realized i get so upset over things that happen around here and when people say things are gonna be all right, i get mad and say no its not....BUt evenutally it will be all right...Like someone said to me "Life is like a deck of cards, you gotta play ur hand...." something like that, i was like i dont like the hand i got! BUt i still gotta live my life and deal with it. I get so upset i honestly think its not fair that i have to tell my mom to clean up after her self to charge her phone to take it with her to work,to tell her to pick up after herself or tell her to do certin thigns like that. I"m tired of picking up after people A LOT other than myself....She dosn't know anything about computers cell phones or dvd's i gotta help her with all that stuff. She asks me stuff she knows, and i tell her it makes me irrated, but she does it anyway as if she forgot. I fight with her a lot. I just wish she could stand on her own too feet and do things herself but I also know what she has been thew.When she made my dad leave, she was independent and did things on her own....THings got really hard we ran out of money.....I mean a lot, after going thew hell we got avicted....thats when my sister and I went to live with my dad...but now i have been living with out him for like a year.........I miss him so much he is gone a lot and when i need him he isn't there. I'm tired of not having anyone help me.....I know in this world u cant rely on other people. I have known that for a long time, but it comes back to me a lot. I' miss my sister a lot she is gone a lot....
I just want someone that i tell everything to, someone who will help me through hard times, someone who understands someone who will listen..........I cant even really have that....

2004-02-03T22:19:00.000-08:00

Today was long, well school felt that way....I had a horrible time in 1 and 3rd period. Those arn't my best subjects. 5th period wasn't excatlty a hoot.....Only B/c zach was there. He just loves to fuck with me, loves pissing me off.....Its kinda funny i thought "sense i sit next to him i should kick him in the shin hard......he did it to me! I did it back but hit the chair! yeah it was painfull. Anyway i was typing and he put his hands all over my keyboard so i typed i hate you zach, you are a MotherF***er and you can burn in hell for all I care. He read it and laughed...He is so annoying, acts like a little kid.....Anyway the rest of my day was ok, went to the gym and got sore, but thats alright
I drank a diet pepsi like 20 min ago and i couldn't stop talking to my sister (she was trying to read) So now i just made this Post thing......I need to do my math homework.....but as people would say "I'm stupid" W/e